It's a passion.

What I Love About Theatre. I've been thinking lately about what I love so much about theatre and being on stage. So here are my random thoughts: For one thing, I love giving. Performing is giving. It's giving everything to a huge audience, a bunch of random strangers that you don't know. It's making people fall in love with you without even knowing your name. It's the fact that you can step on a stage and no one cares who you are. They care about your performance. They don't know anything about you. Not your past, not your family, not who you are or where you come from. They know your performance and that's all you have. To me, performing is filling in that one little gap that can't be filled. It makes you forget and gives you a thrill that nothing else can. It's that anxiousness you get while waiting in the wings before your big solo. I love stepping on stage and being completely vulnerable. It's like holding out your arms and letting go, saying, "This is all I've got." It's putting so much faith in a two hour show. It's the dedication. It's the rehearsals. It's feeling something and letting the whole world see.

Sorry I've neglected you.

I apologize to my blog for abandoning it.

I just haven't had much to write about lately until today it hit me.

Today my friend Sean told me to open up to him and let him see the "real me."

I thought and thought and thought and finally I said "I don't know what the real me is."

And he asked me who I was, and I simply replied "happy."

He looked at me for a long time, just looking at me.

He said, "Do you think anyone ever sees you?"

And I said "no."

This conversation has left me puzzled. Confused. and oddly upset.

I was thinking to myself...

I want people to see the me that I know.

I want people to hear the conversations I have with myself in my head before I go to sleep at night.

I want to people to see inside my head when I'm just singing. Not a thought or care, just singing.

That is who I am, I've decided. I think there is more than one dimension to everyone. I think that is what Sean was seeing in me, more than a flat surface. That is what I am to people, a flat surface. A table.

The only person I blame for that is myself. He asked me if I ever let anyone see my hurt, my vulnerability, my thoughts. More than one side. I said I didn't, because I don't quite frankly.

He looked at me and said,

"When I look into your eyes I see a circus tent. You're dancing and singing and twirling around ribbons and laughing. Then suddenly you look dissatisfied and just lay down on the ground in the grass. You pick up a white flower and let it go and it falls in water. You start walking on the water and then you sink, and start singing and dancing again, only you're drowning."

I can't stop thinking about that. It has left me just completely distraught.

I'm seriously questioning who I am, because maybe I don't even know myself.

Or maybe I'm just crazy and am taking this way out of hand, who knows.

Just a thought...

I have no idea where this is going, so this is simply improv blogging. I'm just gonna dive into this.

But...can I just say that I hate change?

I thought I used to love it, but I have decided just a few tiny minutes ago that I hate it. More than just about it anything. It makes me so down!

I hate looking at old pictures and feeling nostalgic, it's one of the most awful feelings ever.

I hate seeing how things used to be and how they're completely different now and how frustrating it is.

I just miss so many things it's not even funny.

I'm frustrated.

Blessings

I'm in a very, very good mood today.

I feel so thankful! I don't even know what to say because I'm in such a good mood.

This blog is dedicated to Meagerna :)

So...Meagan, thank you for being such a beautiful person (inside and out) in my life.

I am so happy to have you as my "Red Mommy"

I am also happy to know that I'm not the only realistic person out there who knows that with every ray of sunshine is a rain cloud, and not everyone can love everyone.

You have taught me a lot.

I LOVE YOU!!!

On another note...here's a really cute picture of Christopher and me!

Love is

I want a snowfall kind of love

The kind of love that quiets the world.

I want a snowfall kind of love

'cause I'm a snowfall kind of girl.

I love snow.

Its cleanness, its pureness, its quietness.

How when you look at the snow your heart feels like its expanding three times its size.

And when you wake up and look out your kitchen window you can feel eyes growing bigger and bigger.

And for a second you just...forget.

Susie and I had a discussion about Ingrid's song and now I'm literally obsessed.

We talked about how love is always described as something fiery, something red and hot. Full of fierceness and passion.

But that only lasts a second.

Then you think about how you feel when you see snow, and how you want your love to be like a snowflake.

Soft and pure. White.

I want a snowfall kind of love

That lights up the sky from below

I want a snowfall kind of love

That brings people to their window

It really interests me to see how perfectly she describes a feeling that is so difficult to put into words.

Love is the closest thing we have to magic.

One in love is like a little kid in snow.

It's beautiful! It lights up everything. I want a love that people love. I want a love that people can watch and fall in love with themselves. A love that brings people to their windows.

A love that lights up the sky from below.

That is love to me.

It's a snowfall.

Thank you Susie Dumond, for being, in one way or another...my snowfall kind of love.

I'm so thankful to have a snowfall kind of friendship with you.

Let's be original.

So I've decided to join the norm and write my first blog about the "new year."

Wow, it's come and gone so fast. I must say, this has been one of the most eventful years of my brief fifteen years of living.

My relationships with so many people have grown so much.

I think as a person I have grown so much.

It's a bittersweet feeling to say goodbye to another year.

To just watch what used to be the present become another chapter in the book.

I'm just holding on to the few hours I have left.

Then kissing it goodbye...

Why don't I feel like I'm starting with a clean slate?