Sorry I've neglected you.

I apologize to my blog for abandoning it.

I just haven't had much to write about lately until today it hit me.

Today my friend Sean told me to open up to him and let him see the "real me."

I thought and thought and thought and finally I said "I don't know what the real me is."

And he asked me who I was, and I simply replied "happy."

He looked at me for a long time, just looking at me.

He said, "Do you think anyone ever sees you?"

And I said "no."

This conversation has left me puzzled. Confused. and oddly upset.

I was thinking to myself...

I want people to see the me that I know.

I want people to hear the conversations I have with myself in my head before I go to sleep at night.

I want to people to see inside my head when I'm just singing. Not a thought or care, just singing.

That is who I am, I've decided. I think there is more than one dimension to everyone. I think that is what Sean was seeing in me, more than a flat surface. That is what I am to people, a flat surface. A table.

The only person I blame for that is myself. He asked me if I ever let anyone see my hurt, my vulnerability, my thoughts. More than one side. I said I didn't, because I don't quite frankly.

He looked at me and said,

"When I look into your eyes I see a circus tent. You're dancing and singing and twirling around ribbons and laughing. Then suddenly you look dissatisfied and just lay down on the ground in the grass. You pick up a white flower and let it go and it falls in water. You start walking on the water and then you sink, and start singing and dancing again, only you're drowning."

I can't stop thinking about that. It has left me just completely distraught.

I'm seriously questioning who I am, because maybe I don't even know myself.

Or maybe I'm just crazy and am taking this way out of hand, who knows.